Hello old blog.
I'm here again because I promised not to make sad posts in my new blog.
Save me from my loneliness tonight.
I miss her. I really fucking miss her. And that's what's making me so depressed tonight. I should be sleeping by now but just right before I plan to shut down my browser, your photo came up. Thanks to Facebook's photo memories. Fuck you Facebook. You always tend to make people remember things they don't want to remember. Now I'm all messed up once again. Fuck you.
10111
11/12/10
8/25/10
Astral Projection?
In the past year, I have been interested in many mystical activity / phenomena. These things involve lucid dreaming, meditation, magick etc. I've been reading on how to do theses things and have tried a few.
One mystical activity that I found very interesting was Astral Projection. There were many sources, articles and books found online explaining what Astral Projection is. Just type it in Google and millions and millions of websites will pop up. In my study of this topic I have learned techniques on how to do it but still haven't succeeded till last night. So here's what happened.
Last night, at around 11:30PM I decided to go to bed. It was a normal night and I wasn't tired from any activity done within the day. So I took my usual sleeping position and closed my eyes. I noted that the time on my iPod was 11:35PM. A couple of minutes later, I realized that I was dreaming yet I am aware of my surroundings. I was dreaming of a lot of things and it was a blurry kind of dream. I cannot make sense of what I was seeing since it was like an old film running fast forward in my brain. I can also feel my pillows, cellphones and iPod Touch beside me as well as the wind from the electric fans running through my arms and legs. But the thing is, I can't move any muscle at that point. This is quite normal for me since it frequently happens to me (being stuck in a state of dream and reality without being able to move any muscle) so I didn't panic. A couple more minutes I felt that I can now move my body I changed my sleeping position with my face down on my pillow. As I did this, an extraordinary / weird feeling overcame me. It felt like something was pinning my 2 hands on my bed and as this was happening I felt a part of me being removed from my body. It was like a similar "me" or some kind of spirit is being taken out of my body. It started from my head down. I felt like I was on an ascending / descending airplane wherein your ears got blocked due to pressure. I concluded that something was pulling my "other self" away from my body. As this happened, a multitude of thoughts came running through my brain and I immediately thought of Astral Projection. I though that maybe, this time I will succeed in performing such activity subconsciously (since I did not perform any activity regarding this before sleeping). But another thought came to my mind and it overpowered the excitement I felt for what I am about to do. I felt scared. I felt scared since I did not have mastery on this activity and thought "What if I never come back to my physical body?". Right at that moment, excitement faded and panic overcame through the completeness of my existence. I never felt that kind of panic before. I then tried, with so much difficulty to open my eyes and move my arms. It took a huge amount of effort to do this but it was not physical effort. It was more like a mental effort of trying to physically move your limbs. After trying and trying I then succeeded an opening my eyes and I immediately grabbed my cellphone to produce some light. As I clicked my phone open, I noticed the time was 12:05AM. All this happened in about 30mins or so.
I don't know what I've experienced last night, but for me it was extraordinary. I regret the fact that I feared what was happening. I regret it because I really wanted to know what would happen if I gave in to that force pulling me out of my body. Some may call it an "out-of-body experience" or "Astral Projection" but I wouldn't know now. I guess the next time it happens, I'll just give in even though it's a bit (spiritually / mentally) painful.
10111
8/6/10
Looking into the box.
One of the hardest things a person has to encounter is to be the one looking into the box. Imagine a situation wherein you know the story and you are the one who has the burden of imagining the outcomes of a specific event. Of course I am not talking about math, but real life situations. Although having math in our lives can help us, but that is beside the point. The problem with being the one outside is that you are the one who will definitely get hurt. Yes, this is all about problems of the heart once again. You see, even though you want to be IN the story, you have no other choice but to be OUT of the story and just watch. This is because they, who are inside the box don't feel your presence they're at it. It's similar to watching a movie with you as an audience. Then after watching them sort it out, the one you love will come running towards you with stories of sadness, joy and confusion. It really is difficult to try and comprehend these stories once you're attached to that person. He or she may want to hear your comments, suggestions and opinions but you can only do and say so much. You can't even say everything that's in you head because you are scared that you may offend or hurt that person. Assuming that you love that person so much, then all you can do is try to say only the things that he or she might want to hear. But then again, the dilemma of being a good and responsible "friend" comes into play. You can either pretend to not get hurt and tell them what they want to hear or be the one to break their happy/sad bubble and tell them the ugly truth.
I for one have looked into the box for quite a long time now. I've been both the good and the bad "friend". Almost simultaneously. Today I had conversations with the 2 of the most important girls in my life. We can say that the other is someone very special from the past and the other is the one I really have feelings for in the present. Talking to these women made me realize things that I never would've if I never met them. One of these things that I've realized is that there are different ways wherein you can be attached to a person. And those ways constitute or help how you can relate or talk to them regarding their problems. When you become attached to a person, sometimes you get really comfortable with that person thus you can say everything you want to say to him/her as you watch his/her love story succeed or fall apart. On the other hand, if you get attached to person which you are attracted or a person which you really like, you tend to tell her only the things that they would want to hear. This makes the impression that you support them in whatever they do. But there lies the mistake. The mistake I've made far too many times.
I wish I can say that "If only I can turn back time.." but that's beyond me. I don't regret any of these things I've done. I've decided to do these things based on the different factors of that present moment where I've encountered them. So maybe, just like what I say to them, I just have to make do with what lies before me now. Maybe I'll just continue to watch, lurk behind the shadows and be the "good friend".
Or maybe not.
10111
8/3/10
Back.
Hitting up blogspot again (at last). I guess this time I'll just write whatever I want to. Time to shed these skins.
Anyway I've been wanting to start blogging again since May. I just don't have the courage to to do so. You see, I am a man of words. I write and speak about everything in my mind but it seems that when I do, I keep missing on the important points I would like to share about. I really don't know why. Maybe because my attention is all but distorted and I've got a lot of things running through my mind at those points in time. Also I am the type of person who realizes things while writing. And this my friends would be the same reason why I am so afraid to blog slash write again. I've been trying to escape shades and issues within the whole existence of my life. There are so many things that I need to go through. So many issues that needs to be resolved. Yet here I am, walking this Earth as if I can carry all my friend's problems. Why the hell do I do that? Maybe because I don't want to face my own fears, issues, memories etc. I want to escape from the reality that awaits me. Many times I've planned to fix these issues. Patch things up. But I always end up failing. I don't have the heart to do these things and I really don't know where to draw such gigantic amount of energy and courage.
Well that's it for now. I'll be writing again soon. I hope this new entry can help me move on, take the leap and accept the challenges ahead.
10111
1/9/10
Seofon.
Seofon.
On a rooftop filled with Jars
our Irises met as the sun set.
RosarIes on the left, right and above
as the rising stars coLlided
bringing wishes to our hearts
and dreams to our minds.
And we swaYed on swings
as the engines of airplanes roar.
Above our heads dippers, big and small
dropping dews around rings
of tea leaves wrapped
around our clasped hands.
10111
1/3/10
Cold Pillows.
Your hands were cold and
smooth. And they served as pillows
to my tired fingers.
10111
12/28/09
12/24/09
12/23/09
12/21/09
Listening Heart.
The sound of your voice
vibrates through my heart and soul
I listen with love.
10111
12/20/09
12/17/09
12/16/09
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