Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same timeI
want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time
And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star
10111
8/9/07
everything you want.
some lyrics from the song "everything you want" by vertical horizon
I am everything you want.
I am everything you need.
I am everything inside of you.
That you wish you could be.
I say all the right things.
At exactly the right time.
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
And I don't know why.
10111
I am everything you want.
I am everything you need.
I am everything inside of you.
That you wish you could be.
I say all the right things.
At exactly the right time.
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
And I don't know why.
10111
8/7/07
decisions. choices.
every person makes their own decisions/choices.
some maybe for the better, others for the worse.
for me, i don't know if this will bring me good things or bad.
but i will stand up for it.
all that i've said is what i've felt for such a long time.
and hiding it will just make things worse.
and now that i have made mine, there will be no turning back.
even if these things will make my life harder.
i will take it.
it is my risk.
there is no point in being scared to lose somethings.
when you've already lost them.
i've already lost so much things.
important things.
including the one i love.
and my dreams with that person.
pain can do so much to a person.
it can alter one's point of view.
and also affect one's ability to decide for itself.
maybe, time will tell what will happen to me.
as for now.
i stand by my word.
10111
some maybe for the better, others for the worse.
for me, i don't know if this will bring me good things or bad.
but i will stand up for it.
all that i've said is what i've felt for such a long time.
and hiding it will just make things worse.
and now that i have made mine, there will be no turning back.
even if these things will make my life harder.
i will take it.
it is my risk.
there is no point in being scared to lose somethings.
when you've already lost them.
i've already lost so much things.
important things.
including the one i love.
and my dreams with that person.
pain can do so much to a person.
it can alter one's point of view.
and also affect one's ability to decide for itself.
maybe, time will tell what will happen to me.
as for now.
i stand by my word.
10111
8/5/07
game over.
intro.
guess its game over huh? guess imma kick myself out of your world from now on. know why? read on.
the cause.
you make every effort i make seem futile. everything i do, which shows how much i wanna be with you goes to the trash bin every time. whenever i plan on doing something you always have the right thing to do to destroy it. i dunno why you do this but it really breaks me. everytime i open my heart for you, you come in then leave it open, exposed, with nothing. even worse, when you do this, you shatter the already broken heart i have. i never should have opened my heart to you again. it was a bad risk. something not worth doing again, in your case. i've been loving selflessly these past 2 and a half years, maybe its time to love myself again. no more you in my life. no more me in yours. maybe you are much better with that person than me. and maybe, you like that person better than me. and maybe you like to get hurt by that person so much that you have forgotten all that has happened in every second, minute and hour we spent. maybe you forgot how you smiled at everything i did for you, and how you loved me for fighting for you even in the worst chain of events. i never thought it would be that easy for you. well since it is, im shutting my little unimportant self out of your busy life and live my own. you offered me nothing but a cup full of pain and suffering, and now im not going to take it.
the effect.
as the pillars of smoke called "feelings" disappear with the morning star, the new sun appears signifying a new day for me. this burning heart of mine had been cast with sand and water and is now sober. there's gonna be no more you in my life. and no more me in yours. i've already got myself out of this labyrinth of yours and im not coming back. a labyrinth made up of lies, and your smiling picture in every wall. this game of information is far complex than i've ever played and now im exhausted from making every wrong move and setting myself a platform below you. there's gonna be no more strings to control me, because i've already cut them down. i dare you, not to come to me anymore. i dare you, not to tell me that that person hurt you or cheated on you. and if you do, im gonna stick a bullet in between those decieving eyes of hers and leave the gun right at your doorstep. i am now moving to a new chapter of my life entitled "happiness without you" from a chapter called "holding on to loneliness caused by you". there's so much things i wanted to say but everything in my foolish mind is in chaos. a turmoil that you caused making myself unable to think rationally. and time is running out for you and me. as i finish writing the last character in this entry, im going to forget you. and i am not going to try doing it, i will do it. for the sake of this shattered heart you left in your kitchen floor.
disclaimer.
this entry, most probably is a one sided story. it comes from the voice of a wounded heart and a heart like that cannot think rationally. i will heed no more explanations for explanations will only create another map of lies. your tears cannot speak for you anymore. you cannot appeal to my own tears. this is the fullness of loneliness. it is said that the darkest hour of the day is the twilight between morning and night. now i have come to pass this hour and have decided to move on. none can stop me for i am doing this for myself and not for anyone else. it has been a long night, and i am no longer head down and hiding my tears for my tears have been dried up by the first ray of sunlight. i do not wish for your happiness because i find it much more important to wish for mine. a happiness i deserve without you. this is your risk. you chose her over me then fine. to hell with her. im not gonna be there to stand up for you anymore. let her do it. it's not under my jurisdiction anymore and i plan to live my life on my own.
10111
guess its game over huh? guess imma kick myself out of your world from now on. know why? read on.
the cause.
you make every effort i make seem futile. everything i do, which shows how much i wanna be with you goes to the trash bin every time. whenever i plan on doing something you always have the right thing to do to destroy it. i dunno why you do this but it really breaks me. everytime i open my heart for you, you come in then leave it open, exposed, with nothing. even worse, when you do this, you shatter the already broken heart i have. i never should have opened my heart to you again. it was a bad risk. something not worth doing again, in your case. i've been loving selflessly these past 2 and a half years, maybe its time to love myself again. no more you in my life. no more me in yours. maybe you are much better with that person than me. and maybe, you like that person better than me. and maybe you like to get hurt by that person so much that you have forgotten all that has happened in every second, minute and hour we spent. maybe you forgot how you smiled at everything i did for you, and how you loved me for fighting for you even in the worst chain of events. i never thought it would be that easy for you. well since it is, im shutting my little unimportant self out of your busy life and live my own. you offered me nothing but a cup full of pain and suffering, and now im not going to take it.
the effect.
as the pillars of smoke called "feelings" disappear with the morning star, the new sun appears signifying a new day for me. this burning heart of mine had been cast with sand and water and is now sober. there's gonna be no more you in my life. and no more me in yours. i've already got myself out of this labyrinth of yours and im not coming back. a labyrinth made up of lies, and your smiling picture in every wall. this game of information is far complex than i've ever played and now im exhausted from making every wrong move and setting myself a platform below you. there's gonna be no more strings to control me, because i've already cut them down. i dare you, not to come to me anymore. i dare you, not to tell me that that person hurt you or cheated on you. and if you do, im gonna stick a bullet in between those decieving eyes of hers and leave the gun right at your doorstep. i am now moving to a new chapter of my life entitled "happiness without you" from a chapter called "holding on to loneliness caused by you". there's so much things i wanted to say but everything in my foolish mind is in chaos. a turmoil that you caused making myself unable to think rationally. and time is running out for you and me. as i finish writing the last character in this entry, im going to forget you. and i am not going to try doing it, i will do it. for the sake of this shattered heart you left in your kitchen floor.
disclaimer.
this entry, most probably is a one sided story. it comes from the voice of a wounded heart and a heart like that cannot think rationally. i will heed no more explanations for explanations will only create another map of lies. your tears cannot speak for you anymore. you cannot appeal to my own tears. this is the fullness of loneliness. it is said that the darkest hour of the day is the twilight between morning and night. now i have come to pass this hour and have decided to move on. none can stop me for i am doing this for myself and not for anyone else. it has been a long night, and i am no longer head down and hiding my tears for my tears have been dried up by the first ray of sunlight. i do not wish for your happiness because i find it much more important to wish for mine. a happiness i deserve without you. this is your risk. you chose her over me then fine. to hell with her. im not gonna be there to stand up for you anymore. let her do it. it's not under my jurisdiction anymore and i plan to live my life on my own.
10111
8/4/07
weak.
everyone has their own weakness and my weakness is my fear.
there's so much things i wanna do, but because of these fears there's nothing i have accomplished.
i've always told myself to do what i want, to pursue my dreams and to make myself happy.
but until now, there's still so much out there that is left unfinished.
i always start things but i don't end up finishing them.
maybe because of these fears, or maybe because i get discouraged.
discouraged by the obstacles that the world present upon me,
as well as obstacles i myself conjure infront of me.
i am weak.
yesterday, i've realized that i've got so much time.
so much opportunities. and so much things i wanna do.
but i've still got no plans, on how to deal with these.
maybe, i just need a driving force.
an imaginary hand to guide me through all of the things i wanna do.
and help me accomplish things.
great things which are worth a stranger's praise.
and things which will make people happy.
i pray for this hand to come.
i pray for inspiration to present itself.
i pray for my fears.
10111
there's so much things i wanna do, but because of these fears there's nothing i have accomplished.
i've always told myself to do what i want, to pursue my dreams and to make myself happy.
but until now, there's still so much out there that is left unfinished.
i always start things but i don't end up finishing them.
maybe because of these fears, or maybe because i get discouraged.
discouraged by the obstacles that the world present upon me,
as well as obstacles i myself conjure infront of me.
i am weak.
yesterday, i've realized that i've got so much time.
so much opportunities. and so much things i wanna do.
but i've still got no plans, on how to deal with these.
maybe, i just need a driving force.
an imaginary hand to guide me through all of the things i wanna do.
and help me accomplish things.
great things which are worth a stranger's praise.
and things which will make people happy.
i pray for this hand to come.
i pray for inspiration to present itself.
i pray for my fears.
10111
8/2/07
happy. =p
how can i not like you?
you give so much reason to like you.
and you make me happy.
haha.
but the world gives me so much reasons,
not to love you.
well.
it won't hurt being happy once in a while.
and to be honest, i deserved this happiness i feel.
it's been weeks and weeks full of lonely days.
but now, the sun shone right thru my window.
keeping me alive.
haha.
10111
you give so much reason to like you.
and you make me happy.
haha.
but the world gives me so much reasons,
not to love you.
well.
it won't hurt being happy once in a while.
and to be honest, i deserved this happiness i feel.
it's been weeks and weeks full of lonely days.
but now, the sun shone right thru my window.
keeping me alive.
haha.
10111
8/1/07
trance.
"the most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself."
got this from Issah's blog. [http://themedicineispoison.blogspot.com/]
i don't understand myself. really. it's like i've been walking and living everyday in a kind of trance. eversince you. not having control over what i do, and what i want. this is not me. i know i am better than this. but i don't know why you have such an effect in my life. everytime you pass by, i get numb. and as a result, i cannot do what i expect myself to do. this is really not me.
10111
got this from Issah's blog. [http://themedicineispoison.blogspot.com/]
i don't understand myself. really. it's like i've been walking and living everyday in a kind of trance. eversince you. not having control over what i do, and what i want. this is not me. i know i am better than this. but i don't know why you have such an effect in my life. everytime you pass by, i get numb. and as a result, i cannot do what i expect myself to do. this is really not me.
10111
7/31/07
war of the mind and the heart.
my heart,
the confused one,
does not know what to feel anymore. whenever ur not around, it is contented. whenever i see you, talk to you and laugh with you, it feels so happy. but whenever you leave, and we part ways, there is a sudden change in what it feels. loneliness creeps and embraces my heart. it feels abandoned and it tells me that i should've done more during the time i spent with you. more than just talk and joke around. it is not contented with what happens between us. it bleeds for satisfaction. it calls out for love's warmth to break the cold floor of loneliness. it does not care for right or wrong. it just wants to be happy.
my mind,
the rational one,
gives me the bigger picture. it tells me the realities that coincide with what i feel but it does not give an explanation. it tells me that i should not do anything because it is not the right thing to do. because if i do, i'd cause trouble. if i dare, and step across the line, she'd go away and avoid me for life. it tells my heart to be contented with what is happening. and JUST BE contented. it also tells me that i should just point my attention to other things. to some other girl. but when i look i around and try to find "another", i see no one. emptiness is all around me.
and so as it is, my heart and my mind is in constant anarchy. my body and my soul does not know what to do anymore. who to follow. who to heed. how do you cope up with this?
seeing you is luck,
talking to you is a gift,
being with you is a blessing
10111
the confused one,
does not know what to feel anymore. whenever ur not around, it is contented. whenever i see you, talk to you and laugh with you, it feels so happy. but whenever you leave, and we part ways, there is a sudden change in what it feels. loneliness creeps and embraces my heart. it feels abandoned and it tells me that i should've done more during the time i spent with you. more than just talk and joke around. it is not contented with what happens between us. it bleeds for satisfaction. it calls out for love's warmth to break the cold floor of loneliness. it does not care for right or wrong. it just wants to be happy.
my mind,
the rational one,
gives me the bigger picture. it tells me the realities that coincide with what i feel but it does not give an explanation. it tells me that i should not do anything because it is not the right thing to do. because if i do, i'd cause trouble. if i dare, and step across the line, she'd go away and avoid me for life. it tells my heart to be contented with what is happening. and JUST BE contented. it also tells me that i should just point my attention to other things. to some other girl. but when i look i around and try to find "another", i see no one. emptiness is all around me.
and so as it is, my heart and my mind is in constant anarchy. my body and my soul does not know what to do anymore. who to follow. who to heed. how do you cope up with this?
seeing you is luck,
talking to you is a gift,
being with you is a blessing
10111
7/25/07
eyes.
your eyes are like stars.
and every time you look at me.
you mesmerize me.
keeping me rooted to the spot.
it can also predict the future.
and i see in it.
that we will never be together.
10111
7/20/07
torn between nothing at all.
it was a dark day.
the day you left me.
i always thought, it would be easy to let you go.
but it was not.
then, just like dawn.
light shined on me.
months after that dark day.
another came.
but i knew this was different.
i knew there can be nothing expected from this.
but just like that.
everything went on rampage.
my heart kept calling out.
for you. and. for you.
my heart kept beating.
for me.
or maybe it's the other way around.
my heart calls for me.
and my heart beats for the two of you.
anyway.
i can never expect something from you.
and you.
i know there's always an option.
a choice for everything.
but maybe right now, there is no choice for me.
no choice including you two.
since you two have your own lives to worry about.
maybe i'll just stay right here.
on the outside of love.
on the outskirts of your worlds.
this is how it's been.
and maybe, how it always will be.
maybe i'll just wait.
till one of you calls upon me.
till one of you notice how i feel.
or maybe.
until another one comes around.
who will be much more deserving of my attention.
to the love.
that goes unnoticed.
10111
the day you left me.
i always thought, it would be easy to let you go.
but it was not.
then, just like dawn.
light shined on me.
months after that dark day.
another came.
but i knew this was different.
i knew there can be nothing expected from this.
but just like that.
everything went on rampage.
my heart kept calling out.
for you. and. for you.
my heart kept beating.
for me.
or maybe it's the other way around.
my heart calls for me.
and my heart beats for the two of you.
anyway.
i can never expect something from you.
and you.
i know there's always an option.
a choice for everything.
but maybe right now, there is no choice for me.
no choice including you two.
since you two have your own lives to worry about.
maybe i'll just stay right here.
on the outside of love.
on the outskirts of your worlds.
this is how it's been.
and maybe, how it always will be.
maybe i'll just wait.
till one of you calls upon me.
till one of you notice how i feel.
or maybe.
until another one comes around.
who will be much more deserving of my attention.
to the love.
that goes unnoticed.
10111
7/19/07
time.
when will it be that your eyes will shine for me?
when will it be that your smile be made for me?
when will it be that your lips will touch mine?
when will it be that your head will rest on my shoulder?
when will we share our dreams to each other and build our future together?
when will i hold you close and hug you and tell you that everything's gonna be fine?
when will i wake up in bed and see you right there, soundly sleeping beside me?
when will we walk down the beach, holdin hands, and owning each other's forever?
when will you ask me if your dress looks good on you?
when will my hand write a letter to you?
when will it be me?
10111
when will it be that your smile be made for me?
when will it be that your lips will touch mine?
when will it be that your head will rest on my shoulder?
when will we share our dreams to each other and build our future together?
when will i hold you close and hug you and tell you that everything's gonna be fine?
when will i wake up in bed and see you right there, soundly sleeping beside me?
when will we walk down the beach, holdin hands, and owning each other's forever?
when will you ask me if your dress looks good on you?
when will my hand write a letter to you?
when will it be me?
10111
7/18/07
worlds apart.
i know we're worlds apart.
but i can't help myself.
i guess no one can.
feelings like this are inevitable.
we always seek the impossible things.
some people pursue, some people give up.
me. i dont know.
i really dont know.
coz as i said.
we are worlds apart.
but just like the moon and the sun.
they have their eclipse.
a time when they meet at one point or another.
but this does not happen regulary.
i guess. i can never expect something to happen.
between you and me.
i guess. i'll just be happy.
for what has happened.
and if ever, for what will happen.
things change.
but i hope, change comes to my aid this time.
i shall try to supress my feelings.
so it does not grow or mature.
but if ever i can't.
i apologize in advance.
10111
but i can't help myself.
i guess no one can.
feelings like this are inevitable.
we always seek the impossible things.
some people pursue, some people give up.
me. i dont know.
i really dont know.
coz as i said.
we are worlds apart.
but just like the moon and the sun.
they have their eclipse.
a time when they meet at one point or another.
but this does not happen regulary.
i guess. i can never expect something to happen.
between you and me.
i guess. i'll just be happy.
for what has happened.
and if ever, for what will happen.
things change.
but i hope, change comes to my aid this time.
i shall try to supress my feelings.
so it does not grow or mature.
but if ever i can't.
i apologize in advance.
10111
6/19/07
tonight i can write..
Tonight I Can Write - Pablo Neruda
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
.. saw this poem from my friend's blog. the words perfectly appeal to what i feel right now.. =p
10111
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.
.. saw this poem from my friend's blog. the words perfectly appeal to what i feel right now.. =p
p.s. thanks to my friend nash. i read it in her multiply blog. =p
10111
6/14/07
she won't understand - typecast
am i boring you out? am i disturbing your pace?
did i break anything on you that would drip down your sail?
did I troubled your life? did I make you aware?
you've said you know it all and i do hope you're right.
i'll write all the things you are today,
but it won't be easy cause it will bother your way....
im sorry for caring for you,
im sorry...and it hurts falling for you.
she wont understand, she puts her mind on what she knows,
she wont know anything, she wont know everything
You are breaking me out you dont have a chance too see,
your words tear a thousand pieces and it falls all over me.
can we make up for it? you wont make up for me.
you go on your way and listen to things that you want to hear.
10111
am i boring you out? am i disturbing your pace?
did i break anything on you that would drip down your sail?
did I troubled your life? did I make you aware?
you've said you know it all and i do hope you're right.
i'll write all the things you are today,
but it won't be easy cause it will bother your way....
im sorry for caring for you,
im sorry...and it hurts falling for you.
she wont understand, she puts her mind on what she knows,
she wont know anything, she wont know everything
You are breaking me out you dont have a chance too see,
your words tear a thousand pieces and it falls all over me.
can we make up for it? you wont make up for me.
you go on your way and listen to things that you want to hear.
10111
damn this life.
why do i always get hurt under the same fuckin circumstance? i know no one's gonna bother readin this, specially the ones involved but i don't fuckin care. i just want answers. answers why. why i always experience this. why i always get hurt with "them". and why promises are taken for granted. you told me you'd never love "___". you told me you'll wait for me. you told me "wla munag love life". but why is this happening? i don't know everything or i don't know anything at all. but there's one thing i know for sure, i feel that there's something out there, that's gonna hurt me real bad if i knew about it. whatever happens, i still love you. yes, i really do. and i know that you don't wanna care. then fine, do it your way. but i still want you to know that i love you. and i can and will love you better than "___" can do. you know that. you just have to admit it to yourself. stop denying everything your heart tells you. you know we can work this out. you just have to believe. believe in me and believe in yourself. i don't care about anything anymore. i just want you back.
10111
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