soon.

I'm about to burst. And it's happening real soon. I can't hide this feeling anymore. The more I hide it, the more pain it gives me. You see, it's 5:04AM, I have so much things to do like reviewing for a quiz, a paper, an assignment and a lab report but I'm here writing about you. It's just not right anymore. I mean, why am I like this? My heart is in pain almost 24/7 just by thinking about things about you. In the first place, the problem with me is I think about the negative things. I know I should not think about those but I'm sorry if I do. It's just that I'm a bit overprotective of people that I love. And those people include you. I know you know how I feel about you. Yes, I've said this a million times, in a million blogs, and told it to a million people but I just can't stop thinking of how you and I could stay like this even though deep inside our hearts we know that there is something to begin with. Maybe that feeling of having somethings is just my imagination, or maybe it's one sided with me just being the one having feelings but I don't care. All I care about is you, and things that could help me make you happy. Things that could help me see your pretty smile every single time you are with me.

I am being consumed by my love for you.

Last night, I tried to keep you away from my thoughts by sleeping, but as usual, you simply pop up in my dreams and then wake me up with tears in my eyes. Then I realize, that for the nth time in my life, I'm missing you.

I miss your eyes.

Yesterday, I saw through your eyes, again. Your brown eyes which could tell me everything. It could, but then again, I am no psychic to know everything. I really love those eyes. They are perfect orbs of goldish brown which mystifies me every single time I look into them. You take me to places I've never been and I get lost in the dreams which your two eyes present. Your eyes shine like the sun. And a long time ago, it started to be my sun. A symbol of something that could make my day complete. A symbol of hope and a symbol of something that warms me up when all I could feel was pain and loneliness.

I miss your touch, I miss your laughter, I miss your smile.

These things are the things I really miss the most. They are the symbol of your happiness and joy. And they are what keeps me going. Seeing you smile, hearing you laugh, having simple moments wherein you touch my hand, it really makes someone like me happy. Someone who cares so much not only about you, but also for your happiness. Someone who would give anything just to see you smile on days wherein you are in pain, in doubt and in the deepest and loneliest part of yoour life. I never wanted anything more than your happiness. To hear your laughter makes me happy. So in a sense, by making you happy, I inject happiness in my system as well. A system wherein you are the blood that keeps me alive.

I miss the scent of your hair, I miss the sound of your voice.

A scent and a sound. These things appeal to your senses, and I've already attuned mine to yours. I miss that scent of your hair whenever yoou come near. The scent of shampoo or conditioner which I would've known wherever I could be. I miss that crystal voice of yours, the way you talk, the way you assert yourself and the way you present your weird ideas to me. Just like your scent, I could've known your voice a sheer 10 km away. I would've turn my head just by hearing you snort or call my name. Whatever sound you make, it has been recorded in my system and I would know just by hearing them that it's you.

And I miss everything. Everything about you. Every simple detail that is left unsaid. The white lines in your hair, the moles in your face, your fingers and toes, your clothes, your bag, your ballpen, the way you look when you concentrate..literally everything. Evrything about you. And I miss them, because I love you. And I would always will until the time comes when there is nothing left in this world to keep me going. No more possibilities, no more chances, no more opportunities. And I hope that that time would never come, because if it did come, then I would cease to exist.

Because what you are to me, is what life is to each and every human being in this world.

I love you.

10111

this is hard.

I just can't contain it anymore.
Why does it have to be this way.
You're too hard to resist.
I wanna tell it to you.
Tell you how much you mean to me.
But I'm also supressing it.
Because that's what my mind tells me.
But my heart wants to act differently.
I hope she can save me.
And if she does, I'd give her my all.
Then maybe, just maybe, I'll forget about you.


10111

how much harder can this get?

Once again, I come here to escape. Escape the limelight and open information that YM and Multiply has to offer a single individual. But then again I come to these pages to seek refuge or comfort that a single unknown web blog could offer me. A single individual who's feelings are open to the whole wide world except for the only one to whom those feelings are for. So here I am again, trying to fill out these pages with honest letters until my longing for something or someone to comfort the real me is satisfied. I really don't know why, but I can't seem to find a single person who realizes what I really feel. People around me know what I'm going through but still I can't find someone who has the capability to give me a good advice to start with. I struggle everyday with these feelings which I keep from her, yet no one knows how much pain it is to put a brave face in front of her.

Well I know she won't ever visit this page. If ever she would, then she would know the real me. The feelings I have for her as well as those in my mind. To get things straight I want to take out this statement out of my system. I love you. Yes I do. But this love is different. It's not yet the love that could be considered 100% but still it is love. I am or should I say was ready to give you everything. You are my dream and I know you know it. I know you may have noticed but you keep silent. We still do things we always do as if there is nothing in between us. But there is something. There is this issue which none of us can speak freely about. We walk around as good friends, close friends perhaps as if I don't have a special feeling for you. I know your just trying to my feelings hidden by not talking about it since you've got someone and I understand it. I really do because I know my place in your world. And I know that there is just a little chance that I can be in that world of yours. I can never be enough for you. I know that. I'm not denying that simple fact even if it hurts.

But there are problems surrounding these facts. The fact that I love you as well as the fact that I can never be enough. I don't know where or when I started to love you. But this love is keeping me from getting out of my comfort zone. Because inside this comfort zone, there you are. Standing happily with me. There you are sitting across from me, smiling your pretty smile. There you are walking with me, laughing and joking about your stupid ideas which are really something to laugh about. But still, that is my comfort zone. And I want to get out. To get out to the world, take risks and love someone else. And now, when I've found this someone, the true battle begins. An internal conflict wherein I am subjected to the idea of present love which I can have right now, right at this moment. Or a love in the future, a love where there is no guarantee of having. A love which will only lay vain to waiting if it does not work out.

Then I now have two options.

Option 1: To force my way out of my comfort zone (wherein you stand, sit and walk with me) and seek the girl, seek this certain girl that I could have right now. I could opt to do this and be happy now and for all eternity. I must say, for the sake of people reading this blog, that this girl I am talking about is equally beautiful to the one I am talking about above. Well this justification came from me and my my eyes only. I have not yet subjected both to opinions from other people. But getting back to this option, if I choose this one, I would be presented by happiness which I always have wanted. There are no heavy setbacks yet. No negative effects that I can see in this option. Only positive things. The only problem that I see is the one that is bothering me. And even though this would not be read, I would not want that one to go out. Not unless she knows how I feel for her.

Option 2: To stay here in my comfort zone. Stay here and be with you. Be the good friend. The close friend, and as much as possible, be the best friend. I could choose this one, and stay like this for some time. Until the specific or right time comes when I could possibly tell her how I feel about her. Tell her honestly everything she needs to know. But as the nature of this option has a great result, there also is a great disadvantage. I could be rejected or accepted by her wherein there is a larger chance to be rejected than to be accepted. This is a major risk which is the result of me staying in my comfort zone and enjoying her company for the present. This could make or break my future. But the good thing about this is that if ever I choose this one and be accepted, I could have her. But that's way too far to talk about yet. I frequenctly think about it, and dream about it and it makes me happy. By just thinking about those possible futures I can have with her, it makes my heart jump.

But then again, even though I already love her, I think I would opt to choose the first one. My love for her is not that deep yet, so before I fall even deeper into her spell that sucks me in, I would try to break free and go for the happiness that is waiting for me right about now. The only problem is, I care for this girl too much to let her go completely. I know it would be unfair for the other girl that I would be pursuing for me having this feeling for another someone but I promise to try and keep that feeling away. This blog would serve as that promise. When the time comes that I'd already have this new girl, a new someone to make me happy then I would honestly tell her everything. Let her read this a proof that I would be into her 100%.

And I hope that that time comes soon. There is so much more that I wanted to say but as a student, I still have so many things to do. One example is the issue that I have been keeping from her, and maybe I'll spill that out some other time.

10111