still dreaming.

this is just a dream.
i know it.
i just wish that when i wake up.
i'd have you for real.

10111

sunday is the day.

i don't know why but for me sunday is the day where i get so emotional. not the kind that you start cryin' and stuff, but every sunday i always think about a certain girl or "the" certain girl. may it be my present gf at that time or someone i like. maybe it's because during sunday night, wave 89.1 and magic 89.9 play r&b/senti music. it's not that i don't want it, im just writing this entry to explain this habit of mine.

like today, at this exact moment, im listening to these kind of music while thinking of "her". haha. funny how i start thinking of someone i really am not related to. but i like her. i really do. and recent events led me to liking her even more. i don't know what the word is. may it be infatuation, crush, admiration or whatever. use whatever word available, but im liking this feeling. i like it coz it helps me look at the good side of life. anticipating tomorrow and waiting for the future, it's all good. ^_^

and now im missin her. haha.

10111

been a while.

been a while since i posted something here.
maybe i was just not in the mood to write.
or to express my confusion about myself.

last night.
i dreamt of someone.
a girl.
i know her.
and i like her.
the last time i saw her was about 2 or 3 yrs ago so,
i don't know why i dreamt of her,
but in my dream
she came back from where she is right now.
came back here.
with me.
and now, i'm missing her.
and i don't know why.
all day, i thought about her.
even though there's no chance that she's thinkin' of me too.

im so lost.
i need saving.

then again, a knock on my ym.
someone went online.
and i was lost even more.
here it goes again.
my head spinning.
my heart beating fast.
the feeling of not knowing what to do.
the fear of being rejected,
all over again.
the thought of what might have been.
and everything negative follows.

analcom tomorrow.
cocirfu on friday.
hell of a night for me,
on a hell week.

10111

hate this.

current situation:

IM window is open, but i can't say or type anything. im just staring at my pc, with an IM window to her open. but can't say a thing. i know i've said that i should take risks. actually, she also said that we should take the risk. but i can't. i don't know what the hell is holding me back. maybe the fear of being rejected by this someone whom i admire. i don't want history repeating itself, (even though technically it really does repeat.) and be rejected again and again and again. im just starting to put my heart back together and yet here i am, deciding if i should take this risk.

hate this.

10111

quest to happiness.

all this time, i walk the world unaware of what is happening around me except for you and for you alone. and now, as i start to live my life, i get blinded by the light of life that i have neglected a million times before because i was contented with my life back then and never wanted to go out of my comfort zones. and as i shield my eyes from this new phenomenon in my life i realize that i wanted to accept the light. the sun brings with it the flame of keeping our dreams alive. dreams which are really meant for us if we are strong enough to accept the challenge and fight for it.

but is it that easy?

no.

it will never be easy for everyone. people who fight for what they want tend to suffer more than those people who do not go out of their comfort zones. we never realize that the risks we ought to take are the ones who will teach us and guide us through our daily lives. through the next step of achieving happiness which everyone wishes for.

last monday, a professor said that the quest to happiness is through morality.

i say it's not.

the quest to happiness is through love.

i think, that the quest for happiness cannot be something that is governed by a set of rules to follow. there is no equation to happiness. and the only real thing which will help us through this quest is if we see God in our daily lives. appreciate the signs he gives us in order for us to be successful in our quest. we must always believe that God, which is our mother and father, will always want what is best for us. and God is love. therefore we need to see each blessing God gives us, allow ourselves to take risks and to find out how much more we can go. we must also allow love to consume our soul. even though we may look crazy, sound insane or be laughed at, we must still push through if we think it is what will make us happy.

this is my own definition of the quest to happiness.

10111

try again.

how i wish i had someone right now.

someone to talk to, and share this pain i feel. i hate being alone, but i'm used to it. and i dont want to live each coming day of my life on a routine. i need to find something/someone that makes me happy. a while back, i had this something. i had love. but now, everything's gone. whatever happened to this love i dont know. things just went out of hand. and now, i'm asking stupid questions to myself.

did i do my best to keep that someone close to me?
did i fight for her through the end?
did i exert enought effort to make me say to myself that i've done enough?
did i show you how much i wanted you to stay?

are these questions a reflection of my regret?
is this a mirror image of what i've become?

God help me if it is so. coz i don't know what to do with my life till i figure out what i want right now. i don't expect people to understand me. specially the one i'm referring to here. but i miss everything. that's why i'm writing this. im pouring my heart out to these pages. this is my outlet. the loneliness that covers me, from head to toe is something that cannot be cured by pills.

guess i never did show you how much you mean to me, coz if i did, then these letters wouldn't find their way to this blog.

i need to see the light. the light that will bring me back to my life. i don't wanna be on autopilot for the rest of my life.

i need my life back.

and how to get it back, is my biggest problem.

new term's comin' up. don't know what to expect. but one thing i'm sure about is that im gonna try to start to live my life.

again.

10111

stress.

this is what i call "too much stress".

finals.
projects.
unexpected feelings. (?)

damn it.

yeah mix it up real good.
and before you know it,
you're down
and back to your bed.

10111

up there.

how do you reach someone who's way up there in the sky?
how will you know if that person's worth another risk?
when do you start taking these risks?
when do you stop?

and

how do you cope up, if you fail?

10111

verses.

the clock is ticking,
the pendulum's swinging.
my heart is racing,
and my mind is clinging,
to the only thing,
that keeps me breathing,
which is needing.

as i toss and turn,
blankets cover me.
and as temeperatures burn,
i thought, let them be.
then i hug my knee, and
turn to the mirror beside me.

i see the reflection,
without affection.
a polished reaction,
to the same situation.
of lives in death,
and death of lives.
and of days in night,
and nights in days.

10111

a prayer.

the sickness.

i need an escape.

first i needed someone to trust, then that person betrayed me. next i needed companionship, friendship and someone to talk to, and now it is being deprived of me. why does it seem like the world's anger is upon me. all the simple things i need is taken away from me. the incidents that lead me to these stiuation were never part of the plan. and the plan, was to be happy. is it then safe to say that i cannot be happy for the world is against it? it has never been about me in the past three years. it was always about someone,the one i loved. but why is it like this now? when it's time for me, for myself, things are beginning to turn into a mess. now i really don't know what i've gotten myself into. all this pain and suffering, coming one after another, it just doesn't feel right. also with my finals coming, i really really don't know what to do anymore. i really don't know who to trust and who to be with. i know im no angel or saint, but why does problems come like this?

again, i am all alone. there is no one else here, but me.

all i ask, is an escape to this mess. i just want everything to be alright again. the way it used to be minus the person who lied to me of course. and maybe, plus the person whom i will trust, for the rest of my life.

Amen.

10111

pretty angels come and go.

pretty angels come and go.
those angels who don't have a heart.
those angels who break a guy's heart,
after playing with it.
those angels who never consider your feelings.
those angels whose faces you worked so hard,
to put a smile on.
those angels who lie so good.
so damn good you won't even notice.
those angels who never ealized what you did for them.
those angels who never kept promises,
even though they said they would.
guess they never were angels after all.
but still.
they come and go.

10111

even toys break.

yes.
even toys break.
even those toys that you played upon for a long time and made you so so happy, they break.
and when they do, there's nothing you can do to fix them.
those toys whom you "eliminate".
they ain't coming back to you.
not a chance.
for when these toys break, they are broken completely.
and they can no longer be played by you.
you never considered their feelings.
now they're gonna leave you alone.
all alone.
and it doesn't care what happens to you anymore.
you are no longer a part of that toy's history.
for you have treated it cruelly.
playing with it harshly, then "eliminating" it.
to hell with you.
hope your games end up in hell.

10111

liars.

i fuckin hate liars.

which means i fuckin hate you.

10111

goodbye to you - michelle branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same timeI
want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

10111

everything you want.

some lyrics from the song "everything you want" by vertical horizon

I am everything you want.
I am everything you need.
I am everything inside of you.
That you wish you could be.
I say all the right things.
At exactly the right time.
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
And I don't know why.

10111

decisions. choices.

every person makes their own decisions/choices.
some maybe for the better, others for the worse.
for me, i don't know if this will bring me good things or bad.
but i will stand up for it.
all that i've said is what i've felt for such a long time.
and hiding it will just make things worse.
and now that i have made mine, there will be no turning back.
even if these things will make my life harder.
i will take it.
it is my risk.
there is no point in being scared to lose somethings.
when you've already lost them.
i've already lost so much things.
important things.
including the one i love.
and my dreams with that person.
pain can do so much to a person.
it can alter one's point of view.
and also affect one's ability to decide for itself.
maybe, time will tell what will happen to me.
as for now.
i stand by my word.

10111

game over.

intro.

guess its game over huh? guess imma kick myself out of your world from now on. know why? read on.

the cause.

you make every effort i make seem futile. everything i do, which shows how much i wanna be with you goes to the trash bin every time. whenever i plan on doing something you always have the right thing to do to destroy it. i dunno why you do this but it really breaks me. everytime i open my heart for you, you come in then leave it open, exposed, with nothing. even worse, when you do this, you shatter the already broken heart i have. i never should have opened my heart to you again. it was a bad risk. something not worth doing again, in your case. i've been loving selflessly these past 2 and a half years, maybe its time to love myself again. no more you in my life. no more me in yours. maybe you are much better with that person than me. and maybe, you like that person better than me. and maybe you like to get hurt by that person so much that you have forgotten all that has happened in every second, minute and hour we spent. maybe you forgot how you smiled at everything i did for you, and how you loved me for fighting for you even in the worst chain of events. i never thought it would be that easy for you. well since it is, im shutting my little unimportant self out of your busy life and live my own. you offered me nothing but a cup full of pain and suffering, and now im not going to take it.

the effect.

as the pillars of smoke called "feelings" disappear with the morning star, the new sun appears signifying a new day for me. this burning heart of mine had been cast with sand and water and is now sober. there's gonna be no more you in my life. and no more me in yours. i've already got myself out of this labyrinth of yours and im not coming back. a labyrinth made up of lies, and your smiling picture in every wall. this game of information is far complex than i've ever played and now im exhausted from making every wrong move and setting myself a platform below you. there's gonna be no more strings to control me, because i've already cut them down. i dare you, not to come to me anymore. i dare you, not to tell me that that person hurt you or cheated on you. and if you do, im gonna stick a bullet in between those decieving eyes of hers and leave the gun right at your doorstep. i am now moving to a new chapter of my life entitled "happiness without you" from a chapter called "holding on to loneliness caused by you". there's so much things i wanted to say but everything in my foolish mind is in chaos. a turmoil that you caused making myself unable to think rationally. and time is running out for you and me. as i finish writing the last character in this entry, im going to forget you. and i am not going to try doing it, i will do it. for the sake of this shattered heart you left in your kitchen floor.

disclaimer.

this entry, most probably is a one sided story. it comes from the voice of a wounded heart and a heart like that cannot think rationally. i will heed no more explanations for explanations will only create another map of lies. your tears cannot speak for you anymore. you cannot appeal to my own tears. this is the fullness of loneliness. it is said that the darkest hour of the day is the twilight between morning and night. now i have come to pass this hour and have decided to move on. none can stop me for i am doing this for myself and not for anyone else. it has been a long night, and i am no longer head down and hiding my tears for my tears have been dried up by the first ray of sunlight. i do not wish for your happiness because i find it much more important to wish for mine. a happiness i deserve without you. this is your risk. you chose her over me then fine. to hell with her. im not gonna be there to stand up for you anymore. let her do it. it's not under my jurisdiction anymore and i plan to live my life on my own.

10111

weak.

everyone has their own weakness and my weakness is my fear.
there's so much things i wanna do, but because of these fears there's nothing i have accomplished.
i've always told myself to do what i want, to pursue my dreams and to make myself happy.
but until now, there's still so much out there that is left unfinished.
i always start things but i don't end up finishing them.
maybe because of these fears, or maybe because i get discouraged.
discouraged by the obstacles that the world present upon me,
as well as obstacles i myself conjure infront of me.

i am weak.

yesterday, i've realized that i've got so much time.
so much opportunities. and so much things i wanna do.
but i've still got no plans, on how to deal with these.
maybe, i just need a driving force.
an imaginary hand to guide me through all of the things i wanna do.
and help me accomplish things.
great things which are worth a stranger's praise.
and things which will make people happy.

i pray for this hand to come.
i pray for inspiration to present itself.
i pray for my fears.

10111

happy. =p

how can i not like you?
you give so much reason to like you.
and you make me happy.
haha.

but the world gives me so much reasons,
not to love you.

well.
it won't hurt being happy once in a while.
and to be honest, i deserved this happiness i feel.
it's been weeks and weeks full of lonely days.
but now, the sun shone right thru my window.
keeping me alive.
haha.

10111

trance.

"the most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself."

got this from Issah's blog. [http://themedicineispoison.blogspot.com/]

i don't understand myself. really. it's like i've been walking and living everyday in a kind of trance. eversince you. not having control over what i do, and what i want. this is not me. i know i am better than this. but i don't know why you have such an effect in my life. everytime you pass by, i get numb. and as a result, i cannot do what i expect myself to do. this is really not me.

10111

war of the mind and the heart.

my heart,
the confused one,

does not know what to feel anymore. whenever ur not around, it is contented. whenever i see you, talk to you and laugh with you, it feels so happy. but whenever you leave, and we part ways, there is a sudden change in what it feels. loneliness creeps and embraces my heart. it feels abandoned and it tells me that i should've done more during the time i spent with you. more than just talk and joke around. it is not contented with what happens between us. it bleeds for satisfaction. it calls out for love's warmth to break the cold floor of loneliness. it does not care for right or wrong. it just wants to be happy.

my mind,
the rational one,

gives me the bigger picture. it tells me the realities that coincide with what i feel but it does not give an explanation. it tells me that i should not do anything because it is not the right thing to do. because if i do, i'd cause trouble. if i dare, and step across the line, she'd go away and avoid me for life. it tells my heart to be contented with what is happening. and JUST BE contented. it also tells me that i should just point my attention to other things. to some other girl. but when i look i around and try to find "another", i see no one. emptiness is all around me.

and so as it is, my heart and my mind is in constant anarchy. my body and my soul does not know what to do anymore. who to follow. who to heed. how do you cope up with this?

seeing you is luck,
talking to you is a gift,
being with you is a blessing

10111

eyes.

your eyes are like stars.

and every time you look at me.

you mesmerize me.

keeping me rooted to the spot.

it can also predict the future.

and i see in it.

that we will never be together.

10111

torn between nothing at all.

it was a dark day.
the day you left me.
i always thought, it would be easy to let you go.
but it was not.

then, just like dawn.
light shined on me.
months after that dark day.
another came.
but i knew this was different.
i knew there can be nothing expected from this.

but just like that.
everything went on rampage.
my heart kept calling out.
for you. and. for you.
my heart kept beating.
for me.
or maybe it's the other way around.
my heart calls for me.
and my heart beats for the two of you.

anyway.
i can never expect something from you.
and you.
i know there's always an option.
a choice for everything.
but maybe right now, there is no choice for me.
no choice including you two.

since you two have your own lives to worry about.
maybe i'll just stay right here.
on the outside of love.
on the outskirts of your worlds.
this is how it's been.
and maybe, how it always will be.

maybe i'll just wait.
till one of you calls upon me.
till one of you notice how i feel.
or maybe.
until another one comes around.
who will be much more deserving of my attention.

to the love.
that goes unnoticed.

10111

time.

when will it be that your eyes will shine for me?
when will it be that your smile be made for me?
when will it be that your lips will touch mine?
when will it be that your head will rest on my shoulder?
when will we share our dreams to each other and build our future together?
when will i hold you close and hug you and tell you that everything's gonna be fine?
when will i wake up in bed and see you right there, soundly sleeping beside me?
when will we walk down the beach, holdin hands, and owning each other's forever?
when will you ask me if your dress looks good on you?
when will my hand write a letter to you?

when will it be me?

10111

worlds apart.

i know we're worlds apart.
but i can't help myself.
i guess no one can.
feelings like this are inevitable.
we always seek the impossible things.
some people pursue, some people give up.
me. i dont know.
i really dont know.
coz as i said.
we are worlds apart.
but just like the moon and the sun.
they have their eclipse.
a time when they meet at one point or another.
but this does not happen regulary.
i guess. i can never expect something to happen.
between you and me.
i guess. i'll just be happy.
for what has happened.
and if ever, for what will happen.
things change.
but i hope, change comes to my aid this time.
i shall try to supress my feelings.
so it does not grow or mature.
but if ever i can't.
i apologize in advance.

10111

tonight i can write..

Tonight I Can Write - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.



.. saw this poem from my friend's blog. the words perfectly appeal to what i feel right now.. =p

p.s. thanks to my friend nash. i read it in her multiply blog. =p

10111

she won't understand - typecast

am i boring you out? am i disturbing your pace?
did i break anything on you that would drip down your sail?
did I troubled your life? did I make you aware?
you've said you know it all and i do hope you're right.
i'll write all the things you are today,
but it won't be easy cause it will bother your way....
im sorry for caring for you,
im sorry...and it hurts falling for you.
she wont understand, she puts her mind on what she knows,
she wont know anything, she wont know everything
You are breaking me out you dont have a chance too see,
your words tear a thousand pieces and it falls all over me.
can we make up for it? you wont make up for me.
you go on your way and listen to things that you want to hear.

10111

damn this life.

why do i always get hurt under the same fuckin circumstance? i know no one's gonna bother readin this, specially the ones involved but i don't fuckin care. i just want answers. answers why. why i always experience this. why i always get hurt with "them". and why promises are taken for granted. you told me you'd never love "___". you told me you'll wait for me. you told me "wla munag love life". but why is this happening? i don't know everything or i don't know anything at all. but there's one thing i know for sure, i feel that there's something out there, that's gonna hurt me real bad if i knew about it. whatever happens, i still love you. yes, i really do. and i know that you don't wanna care. then fine, do it your way. but i still want you to know that i love you. and i can and will love you better than "___" can do. you know that. you just have to admit it to yourself. stop denying everything your heart tells you. you know we can work this out. you just have to believe. believe in me and believe in yourself. i don't care about anything anymore. i just want you back.

10111

tomorrow.

i'll walk away.

and move on.

completely.

good night.

23

When I see your smile
Tears run down my face I can't replace
And now that I'm strong I have figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.
Seasons are changing
And waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you I'll be the one

I will never let you fall (let you fall)
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all (through it all)
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away
Cuz I'm here for you
Please don't walk away and
Please tell me you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to heaven

Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

23

..today..

..i wake up..

..seeing the same wound you gave me..

..it pains me..

..to see the sun shine right through my window..

..and just the thought of you..

..the remembrance of your name..

..makes my day i little lonelier than before..

..the pain you left here in my heart..

..carved in the initials of your name..

..is something i think is permanent..

..but i don't blame you..

..i need saving..

..from above..

..an angel perhaps..

..like what you said..

..i need to keep my mind of us..

..but its not that easy..

..it was never that easy..

..it will never be easy..

..today my heart cries..

..for the love lost..

..and..

..for the love..

..that go unnoticed..

23