Once again, I come here to escape. Escape the limelight and open information that YM and Multiply has to offer a single individual. But then again I come to these pages to seek refuge or comfort that a single unknown web blog could offer me. A single individual who's feelings are open to the whole wide world except for the only one to whom those feelings are for. So here I am again, trying to fill out these pages with honest letters until my longing for something or someone to comfort the real me is satisfied. I really don't know why, but I can't seem to find a single person who realizes what I really feel. People around me know what I'm going through but still I can't find someone who has the capability to give me a good advice to start with. I struggle everyday with these feelings which I keep from her, yet no one knows how much pain it is to put a brave face in front of her.
Well I know she won't ever visit this page. If ever she would, then she would know the real me. The feelings I have for her as well as those in my mind. To get things straight I want to take out this statement out of my system. I love you. Yes I do. But this love is different. It's not yet the love that could be considered 100% but still it is love. I am or should I say was ready to give you everything. You are my dream and I know you know it. I know you may have noticed but you keep silent. We still do things we always do as if there is nothing in between us. But there is something. There is this issue which none of us can speak freely about. We walk around as good friends, close friends perhaps as if I don't have a special feeling for you. I know your just trying to my feelings hidden by not talking about it since you've got someone and I understand it. I really do because I know my place in your world. And I know that there is just a little chance that I can be in that world of yours. I can never be enough for you. I know that. I'm not denying that simple fact even if it hurts.
But there are problems surrounding these facts. The fact that I love you as well as the fact that I can never be enough. I don't know where or when I started to love you. But this love is keeping me from getting out of my comfort zone. Because inside this comfort zone, there you are. Standing happily with me. There you are sitting across from me, smiling your pretty smile. There you are walking with me, laughing and joking about your stupid ideas which are really something to laugh about. But still, that is my comfort zone. And I want to get out. To get out to the world, take risks and love someone else. And now, when I've found this someone, the true battle begins. An internal conflict wherein I am subjected to the idea of present love which I can have right now, right at this moment. Or a love in the future, a love where there is no guarantee of having. A love which will only lay vain to waiting if it does not work out.
Then I now have two options.
Option 1: To force my way out of my comfort zone (wherein you stand, sit and walk with me) and seek the girl, seek this certain girl that I could have right now. I could opt to do this and be happy now and for all eternity. I must say, for the sake of people reading this blog, that this girl I am talking about is equally beautiful to the one I am talking about above. Well this justification came from me and my my eyes only. I have not yet subjected both to opinions from other people. But getting back to this option, if I choose this one, I would be presented by happiness which I always have wanted. There are no heavy setbacks yet. No negative effects that I can see in this option. Only positive things. The only problem that I see is the one that is bothering me. And even though this would not be read, I would not want that one to go out. Not unless she knows how I feel for her.
Option 2: To stay here in my comfort zone. Stay here and be with you. Be the good friend. The close friend, and as much as possible, be the best friend. I could choose this one, and stay like this for some time. Until the specific or right time comes when I could possibly tell her how I feel about her. Tell her honestly everything she needs to know. But as the nature of this option has a great result, there also is a great disadvantage. I could be rejected or accepted by her wherein there is a larger chance to be rejected than to be accepted. This is a major risk which is the result of me staying in my comfort zone and enjoying her company for the present. This could make or break my future. But the good thing about this is that if ever I choose this one and be accepted, I could have her. But that's way too far to talk about yet. I frequenctly think about it, and dream about it and it makes me happy. By just thinking about those possible futures I can have with her, it makes my heart jump.
But then again, even though I already love her, I think I would opt to choose the first one. My love for her is not that deep yet, so before I fall even deeper into her spell that sucks me in, I would try to break free and go for the happiness that is waiting for me right about now. The only problem is, I care for this girl too much to let her go completely. I know it would be unfair for the other girl that I would be pursuing for me having this feeling for another someone but I promise to try and keep that feeling away. This blog would serve as that promise. When the time comes that I'd already have this new girl, a new someone to make me happy then I would honestly tell her everything. Let her read this a proof that I would be into her 100%.
And I hope that that time comes soon. There is so much more that I wanted to say but as a student, I still have so many things to do. One example is the issue that I have been keeping from her, and maybe I'll spill that out some other time.
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