stress.

this is what i call "too much stress".

finals.
projects.
unexpected feelings. (?)

damn it.

yeah mix it up real good.
and before you know it,
you're down
and back to your bed.

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up there.

how do you reach someone who's way up there in the sky?
how will you know if that person's worth another risk?
when do you start taking these risks?
when do you stop?

and

how do you cope up, if you fail?

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verses.

the clock is ticking,
the pendulum's swinging.
my heart is racing,
and my mind is clinging,
to the only thing,
that keeps me breathing,
which is needing.

as i toss and turn,
blankets cover me.
and as temeperatures burn,
i thought, let them be.
then i hug my knee, and
turn to the mirror beside me.

i see the reflection,
without affection.
a polished reaction,
to the same situation.
of lives in death,
and death of lives.
and of days in night,
and nights in days.

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a prayer.

the sickness.

i need an escape.

first i needed someone to trust, then that person betrayed me. next i needed companionship, friendship and someone to talk to, and now it is being deprived of me. why does it seem like the world's anger is upon me. all the simple things i need is taken away from me. the incidents that lead me to these stiuation were never part of the plan. and the plan, was to be happy. is it then safe to say that i cannot be happy for the world is against it? it has never been about me in the past three years. it was always about someone,the one i loved. but why is it like this now? when it's time for me, for myself, things are beginning to turn into a mess. now i really don't know what i've gotten myself into. all this pain and suffering, coming one after another, it just doesn't feel right. also with my finals coming, i really really don't know what to do anymore. i really don't know who to trust and who to be with. i know im no angel or saint, but why does problems come like this?

again, i am all alone. there is no one else here, but me.

all i ask, is an escape to this mess. i just want everything to be alright again. the way it used to be minus the person who lied to me of course. and maybe, plus the person whom i will trust, for the rest of my life.

Amen.

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pretty angels come and go.

pretty angels come and go.
those angels who don't have a heart.
those angels who break a guy's heart,
after playing with it.
those angels who never consider your feelings.
those angels whose faces you worked so hard,
to put a smile on.
those angels who lie so good.
so damn good you won't even notice.
those angels who never ealized what you did for them.
those angels who never kept promises,
even though they said they would.
guess they never were angels after all.
but still.
they come and go.

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even toys break.

yes.
even toys break.
even those toys that you played upon for a long time and made you so so happy, they break.
and when they do, there's nothing you can do to fix them.
those toys whom you "eliminate".
they ain't coming back to you.
not a chance.
for when these toys break, they are broken completely.
and they can no longer be played by you.
you never considered their feelings.
now they're gonna leave you alone.
all alone.
and it doesn't care what happens to you anymore.
you are no longer a part of that toy's history.
for you have treated it cruelly.
playing with it harshly, then "eliminating" it.
to hell with you.
hope your games end up in hell.

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liars.

i fuckin hate liars.

which means i fuckin hate you.

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goodbye to you - michelle branch

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same timeI
want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

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everything you want.

some lyrics from the song "everything you want" by vertical horizon

I am everything you want.
I am everything you need.
I am everything inside of you.
That you wish you could be.
I say all the right things.
At exactly the right time.
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
And I don't know why.

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decisions. choices.

every person makes their own decisions/choices.
some maybe for the better, others for the worse.
for me, i don't know if this will bring me good things or bad.
but i will stand up for it.
all that i've said is what i've felt for such a long time.
and hiding it will just make things worse.
and now that i have made mine, there will be no turning back.
even if these things will make my life harder.
i will take it.
it is my risk.
there is no point in being scared to lose somethings.
when you've already lost them.
i've already lost so much things.
important things.
including the one i love.
and my dreams with that person.
pain can do so much to a person.
it can alter one's point of view.
and also affect one's ability to decide for itself.
maybe, time will tell what will happen to me.
as for now.
i stand by my word.

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game over.

intro.

guess its game over huh? guess imma kick myself out of your world from now on. know why? read on.

the cause.

you make every effort i make seem futile. everything i do, which shows how much i wanna be with you goes to the trash bin every time. whenever i plan on doing something you always have the right thing to do to destroy it. i dunno why you do this but it really breaks me. everytime i open my heart for you, you come in then leave it open, exposed, with nothing. even worse, when you do this, you shatter the already broken heart i have. i never should have opened my heart to you again. it was a bad risk. something not worth doing again, in your case. i've been loving selflessly these past 2 and a half years, maybe its time to love myself again. no more you in my life. no more me in yours. maybe you are much better with that person than me. and maybe, you like that person better than me. and maybe you like to get hurt by that person so much that you have forgotten all that has happened in every second, minute and hour we spent. maybe you forgot how you smiled at everything i did for you, and how you loved me for fighting for you even in the worst chain of events. i never thought it would be that easy for you. well since it is, im shutting my little unimportant self out of your busy life and live my own. you offered me nothing but a cup full of pain and suffering, and now im not going to take it.

the effect.

as the pillars of smoke called "feelings" disappear with the morning star, the new sun appears signifying a new day for me. this burning heart of mine had been cast with sand and water and is now sober. there's gonna be no more you in my life. and no more me in yours. i've already got myself out of this labyrinth of yours and im not coming back. a labyrinth made up of lies, and your smiling picture in every wall. this game of information is far complex than i've ever played and now im exhausted from making every wrong move and setting myself a platform below you. there's gonna be no more strings to control me, because i've already cut them down. i dare you, not to come to me anymore. i dare you, not to tell me that that person hurt you or cheated on you. and if you do, im gonna stick a bullet in between those decieving eyes of hers and leave the gun right at your doorstep. i am now moving to a new chapter of my life entitled "happiness without you" from a chapter called "holding on to loneliness caused by you". there's so much things i wanted to say but everything in my foolish mind is in chaos. a turmoil that you caused making myself unable to think rationally. and time is running out for you and me. as i finish writing the last character in this entry, im going to forget you. and i am not going to try doing it, i will do it. for the sake of this shattered heart you left in your kitchen floor.

disclaimer.

this entry, most probably is a one sided story. it comes from the voice of a wounded heart and a heart like that cannot think rationally. i will heed no more explanations for explanations will only create another map of lies. your tears cannot speak for you anymore. you cannot appeal to my own tears. this is the fullness of loneliness. it is said that the darkest hour of the day is the twilight between morning and night. now i have come to pass this hour and have decided to move on. none can stop me for i am doing this for myself and not for anyone else. it has been a long night, and i am no longer head down and hiding my tears for my tears have been dried up by the first ray of sunlight. i do not wish for your happiness because i find it much more important to wish for mine. a happiness i deserve without you. this is your risk. you chose her over me then fine. to hell with her. im not gonna be there to stand up for you anymore. let her do it. it's not under my jurisdiction anymore and i plan to live my life on my own.

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weak.

everyone has their own weakness and my weakness is my fear.
there's so much things i wanna do, but because of these fears there's nothing i have accomplished.
i've always told myself to do what i want, to pursue my dreams and to make myself happy.
but until now, there's still so much out there that is left unfinished.
i always start things but i don't end up finishing them.
maybe because of these fears, or maybe because i get discouraged.
discouraged by the obstacles that the world present upon me,
as well as obstacles i myself conjure infront of me.

i am weak.

yesterday, i've realized that i've got so much time.
so much opportunities. and so much things i wanna do.
but i've still got no plans, on how to deal with these.
maybe, i just need a driving force.
an imaginary hand to guide me through all of the things i wanna do.
and help me accomplish things.
great things which are worth a stranger's praise.
and things which will make people happy.

i pray for this hand to come.
i pray for inspiration to present itself.
i pray for my fears.

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happy. =p

how can i not like you?
you give so much reason to like you.
and you make me happy.
haha.

but the world gives me so much reasons,
not to love you.

well.
it won't hurt being happy once in a while.
and to be honest, i deserved this happiness i feel.
it's been weeks and weeks full of lonely days.
but now, the sun shone right thru my window.
keeping me alive.
haha.

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trance.

"the most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it's when you don't understand yourself."

got this from Issah's blog. [http://themedicineispoison.blogspot.com/]

i don't understand myself. really. it's like i've been walking and living everyday in a kind of trance. eversince you. not having control over what i do, and what i want. this is not me. i know i am better than this. but i don't know why you have such an effect in my life. everytime you pass by, i get numb. and as a result, i cannot do what i expect myself to do. this is really not me.

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